Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in offshorepirate's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
1:28 pm	HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAH Scene: A conversation between my brother Tom and someone in one of his classes. This kid is clothed in head-to-toe designer clothing; he sports a large and shiny watch. Kid: Yeah, I'm actually Korean. Tom: Have you ever been to South Korea? Kid: No, I was raised in Sacremento. But I've been meaning to go. I really hate what America has done to our culture. It's so capitalistic. I hate materialism. Tom:(ironically) I can see that. But, you know, Occidence happens. (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 16th, 2006
10:13 pm	quoted. "He divided most of his adult life between roaming the vast American landscape and living with his mother." Who does this describe? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 31st, 2006
5:33 pm	stolen from ash's blog 1. One book that changed your life: Love in the Ruins, by Walker Percy. 2. One book that you've read more than once: The Great Gatsby - Fitzgerald 3. One book you'd want on a desert island: The Golden Bough - James Frazier 4. One book that made you laugh - A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius - Dave Eggers 5. One book that made you cry - Catcher in the Rye - Salinger 6. One book you wish had been written - 20,000 of the World's Dumbest People and Ideas, or the rest of The Last Tycoon. 7. One book that you wish had never been written: Henry Miller's Tropic of Cancer. Only prurient asses who think they're intellectual need apply. Or Wuthering Heights. It spawned the genre of the supermarket romance. 8. One book you're currently reading: School doesn't count, so the best novel I read over the summer was Rory Stewart's The Places in Between. 9. One book you've been meaning to read: The Prince of the Marshes: And Other Occupational Hazards of a Year in Iraq - Rory Stewart. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 8th, 2006
10:18 pm	thoughts of the day center on two main subjects: 1. WHHHYYyyyy does my freakin' mouf hurt so freakin' bad! 2. fantasies of what I would eat were I able: -salmon in a saffron/red pepper mayonnaise. -squash blossoms stuffed with goat's cheese and shallot, rolled in bread crumbs and fried. -a plate of roast tomatoes. -an entire head of garlic, roasted in the oven until sweet & mushy, spread over the perfect crusty baguette. -a whole bottle of Saxon-Brown syrah. -crab cakes in a Bloody Mary gazpacho (Instead of gauz packo). -cuban flan. 3. In reality: vanilla yogurt and hydrocodone. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 30th, 2006
3:35 pm	richard burton Vs. rory stewart just started reading the scotsman rory stewart's memoir? travelogue? of his walk across afghanistan shortly after the taliban was deposed. it makes for interesting reading - he's a concise writer - although perhaps belabored by the underwritten "I'm a stud," message. but that's fine. he's scottish, and is obviously a stud. he deserves bragging rights. the main thing that bothers me about it is that it seems too nostalgic for its time, harking back to richard burton when there was actually undiscovered territory. i'm not saying that trekking across afghanistan is at all common for a gringo - at the time, stewart was "their only tourist" - but the interest of the greater cause "For God and Country" is gone, and it turns into one of those lonely existential spiritual journeys educated abstracted men in their early thirties take up. the utilitarianism that added to the romance in the first place is gone. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
2:22 pm	soundbites from bonnaroo "I LOVE YOU TRENT! I LOVE YOU! THAT'S MY FRIEND!" - small jewish-looking boy screaming next to my ear when his friend got to play on stage with Devendra Banhart. "Sh--, I totally lost my glowsticks!" - pseudo-hippie sorority girl in concert area. another example of american arrested developement. "Dude, I was totally fishin' out! I hit my head on a picnic table and I got blood all over my face and I was wandering around shouting 'Hey what's up! Hey what's up?'" - guy overdosed on nitrous (laughing gas) with blood all over his face talking to dan. "Hash Opium Crack! Hash Opium Crack!" - black guy wandering around the tents selling his wares. "Aaagh, I forgot, I can't dance!" - topless girl advertising for the body-painting stand; apparently too embarrassed to dance sans shirt. and here i was thinking people doffed their clothes to feel free and easy. i guess it is about shock value, after all. in conclusion, people are dumb, but the music was awesome. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 11th, 2006
9:07 am	since nothing particularly noteworthy has happened in the past couple of days... LIST OF BOOKS TO BE READ THIS SUMMER 1. The Only Investment Guide You'll Ever Need - A. Tobias. am being paid $40 by Dad and l'oncle Steve to finish. if only i understood what a municipal actually was. 2. Freddy and Fredericka - M. Helprin. bought for me by james last christmas. totally hilarious. 3. The Book of Occidental Mythology - J. Campbell. nice intro, although kind of pedantic so far. though i do like his observation that western religions are the only ones where piety and free will (rationalism)always seem to be in conflict. 4. something about The Wandering Jew by one of james' spanish authors. although i bought him the book, i forget both author and title. Suggestions? (Comment on this)
Monday, May 29th, 2006
5:19 pm	the philosopher layman today i am examining an interesting category that has cropped up over the last ten-fifteen years. this category is the "philosopher layman," i.e., one who pisseth on both everything and everyone. the "philosopher layman" is usually inspired by a combination of "cool hand luke," jean paul sartre, ethan hawke and kurt cobain (salted with a dash of ridiculous byron). ~quotes sartre's Nausea ad nauseum; talks about appreciating life for its small, pleasurable details, implying that the rest is nasty, short and brutish. They work menial jobs for their actual age, make grand plans to "move to New Hampshire," but never do. Married to own mistakes and a perverse love of a (usually unjustified) sense of loss. Fancies self an existentialist Romantic hero (existentialism being the updated more pussy version of Romanticism). The only difference between our modern day Heathcliffe and Bronte's is that this one does not prance around in a psychotic Lord Byron turban, and is generally less interesting, since he can never commit to a course of action. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 12th, 2006
9:49 pm	'nuff said Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are May 10, 2006 | Issue 42•19 BATON ROUGE, LA—In a breakthrough study that contradicts decades of understanding about the nature of alligator–drunkard relations, Louisiana State University researchers have concluded that people's drunkenness does not impair the ancient reptiles' ability to inflict enormous physical harm. Alligators exhibit the potential to inflict serious harm, regardless of the blood-alcohol levels of their victims. "Our data strongly indicates that human intoxication does not transform an alligator into a docile creature that enjoys wrestling," said professor Ryder McCrory, chair of the Wildlife Taunting Department of LSU's prestigious Center For Bullying And Hazing Studies. "Despite its slow-witted demeanor and tendency to bask motionlessly in the hot sun, it's a mistake to believe that an alligator will passively tolerate a half nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it." McCrory said the study yielded statistics that speak for themselves. "In 10 out of 10 documented cases of violent alligator–drunkard encounters, the reptile was not influenced by the fact that the victim was 'just kidding' or 'just having some fun,'" McCrory said. To an alligator, McCrory explained, a human forearm, even drunkenly dangled between the creature's casually opened jaws, still appears to be prey. In field experiments, members of the control group performed no better-—and often far worse—than their sober counterparts in defending themselves against a 300-pound, seven-foot bull alligator. Even when armed with an empty tequila bottle. "At best, the bottles bounced harmlessly off the alligator's snout," said LSU research assistant Tracy Sawyer. When placed in water, the drunken volunteers fared even worse, and the alligator markedly better, Sawyer said. In addition, the alligators far outperformed their inebriated human counterparts in the following areas: lunging, biting, crushing, dismembering, and swallowing. According to the study, an alligator's characteristic grin should not be interpreted as a lighthearted reaction to the outrageous nerve of an alcohol-addled human. "Don't let an alligator's easygoing appearance fool you," Sawyer said. "These creatures have no empathy for drunken pranksters looking for fun. They are not black bears." McCrory recommended that alligator wrestling be undertaken solely by professionals, specifically roadside-attraction proprietors. For drunkards interested in proving their mettle with alligators, the researchers proposed these guidelines: Instead of baiting an alligator, seek another form of drunken recreation, such as attending a strip club, burning a pile of tires, or painting one's buttocks with a funny face and videotaping it. Sick or infant deer are considered a far safer match for most inebriated humans; kicking a raccoon or squirrel already dying by the side of the road is also recommended. Experts suggest that those who become aggressive after consuming alcohol would be safer channeling that energy into more constructive behavior, such as calling an ex-lover. And McCrory warned drunkards who "absolutely must assault an alligator while inebriated" to first make sure it is not a John Deere Gator cargo utility vehicle. This oversight "is a common occurrence," he said. Current Mood: we got a house. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
4:01 pm	so, apparently dan and i have disproved the story of the tortoise and the hare. slow and steady never wins the race, especially when leaving rental contracts for weeks on end on the top of your computer. we are currently sans maison beginning this june 1st, although we're looking at apartments downtown. (which would be sweet, i think.) also: we saw a midget today whistling "Whistle While You Work." dan had to be suppressed from pointing and cackling. i feel like jack kerouac without a typewriter. Current Mood: homeless (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
1:32 pm	harrumph. finals next week. 1. Che Guevara was an ass-hat. Fidel's right hand man, he begged for his life when they executed him. 2. Thanksgiving Dinner is gross. Am I a Communist for saying this? 3. I'm allergic to children's laughter, sunshine, and apple pie. Current Mood: stomping on things people like (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
11:51 am	went to Hempfest '06 yesterday. try as i may, i just can't get into the hippie ethos. first of all, since the Sixties are OVer, long-haired women dancing like fairies in an S.U.V.-surrounded glen seems a little ridiculous. make that alot ridiculous. second of all, when someone is up on stage advocating that you "get to know the people you buy from" because corporations only care about your money, it makes me want to test this theory out next time i'm at the co-op. i think i'll load my bags with one hundred dollars' worth of manchega cheese and organic wine, then extend my hand in friendship instead of my wallet. it's marxist socialism, and we're taking it to the limit. on a different note, i saw a man at the Fest who looked exactly like Drexel from "True Romance." i wanted to irritate him to see if he would attack, yelling, "You Think it's White-Boy Day?" (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 24th, 2006
1:48 pm	Baudrillard and collecting antiques The Ash and I had an interesting, thought-plagiaristic discussion with our friend Grant the Art Major two nights ago. I remember reading in WP's LOST IN THE COSMOS a couple years back his theory about the existentiality of collecting antiques. Collecting antiques does not seem to have been something the Elizabethans did; in fact, it seems a more modern hobby (within the last 150-200 years). Grant has been reading a French theorist Baudrillard for some class of his. Baudrillard's premise is that everything now dating back to the Enlightenment is a construct (yes, he is a Frenchman). The idea is that the Enlightenment is when people started quantifying with a vengeance, thus "civilizing" places, theories, etc. In Baudrillard's opinion, the only things that are truly real are the things we are drawn to by some sort of unexplainable beauty that they possess. In a certain sense, I agree: modern civilized cultures do tend to have a nostalgic preoccupation with the past, and never seem to "live in the present," so to speak. We seem to be always looking back or forward. At the same time, I don't agree that merely quantifying something makes it less real. It makes it more so, if possible. Adam named the animals, and naming our children is an expression of love, of acknowledging their existence. God quantified the universe by speaking it into existence. Thoughts? Opinions? This is my first post since September. I shall be back to quantify more thoughts. Love, Dana Current Mood: awake Current Music: none (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
9:23 am	A month and a half ago, the New York Times ran an article about the rapper Curtis Jackson III, otherwise known as 50 Cent. Actually, it was more about the town that 50 Cent had moved to since becoming rich and famous. A wealthy Hartford suburb, that is home to the private school where Jackie Onassis studied as a girl. Where the money is old, and as the article stated, "bling is restricted to a string of pearls." At the time the article was printed (late February), the reporter found the town a-buzz with the word that Mr. Jackson was throwing a huge party at his house that week; that five thousand dollars' worth of liquor had been ordered; and that no-one from the wealthy Hartford suburb had been invited. Mr. Jackson remained "a spectral presence" in the town, and rumors abounded over who had seen him driving by. "I saw his limo drive by once, but I think he's an introvert," said a local bakery owner, Shannon Walton. This sort of story is common among musicians, especially rappers, who seem to base their credentials off how many times they have been shot or in prison. (Mr. Jackson had been shot nine times before making it to the big time.) We don't have bootleggers anymore, but if you're looking for the new version of Jay Gatsby, it's best illustrated with stories from the bling community. Current Music: nick drake - cello song (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 21st, 2005
10:12 am	10 Irrefutable Aesthetic Truths of Living 1. The prettier the girl, the worse the taste in music. (Ash) 2. Tobasco sauce on dark chocolate is better than sex. (Dana) 3. Headband and pigtails are sooo wrong. (Daria) 4. Any who disagreest with Comrade Hebert and Citizen Banks are anathema. (Dashleigh) 5. Finding love in Moscow is like finding food in Ghandi's house; and chocolate-scented bathroom spray is gross. (Tara) 6. When in doubt, add salt. (Katie) 7. Aristotle on a church suit had too thin of skin. (Ibid Superfudge) 8. Never wear metal underwear in the airport. (Mom) 9. Emo is still the musical territory of excessive navel gazing, but now people can almost dance to it. (Tom) 10. Save the Tulips! (James) Current Mood: figtree Current Music: phish (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 19th, 2005
8:57 pm	some people have great stories. with good times and noodle salad. ash and marshall came down this week for spring break. good times, noodle salad. sittin' omma bench good. we all went to the haight-ashbury in s.f. on saint patrick's day. A and I have decided that it ought to be haight-assbury. i've never seen so much obviously parental-sponsored loaferdom masquerading as good-vibe hippydom. in other and completely different news, people still think suicide is a sin. otherwise, they wouldn't say "commiting suicide." (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
9:04 am	ees a race! i hope i ween! there are only two things that i would pay to hear someone say in real life, and mean it. 1. "Fo' Shizzle!" 2. "My hair is lonely." i bet Dan a dollar he couldn't drink a whole gallon of milk in an hour without throwing up. so far i am winning. Current Mood: euphoric Current Music: ben kweller (1 Comment |Comment on this)